The Top Ten Unsolicited e-mail Tactics…

I worry that somewhere, sinking under the flotsam and jetsam of unsolicited e-mails in my inbox, is the one that really is going to quadruple my sales conversion, take my business to another level, create a world class digital experience, halve my printing costs, deliver sustainable double digit growth, cure my male pattern baldness and improve my sex life. Worse, I worry that there might actually be a proper e-mail in there, maybe even one from my boss asking me a critical question that needs to be answered yesterday … or last week … or last month!

I’ve done everything the IT doctor told me I should do. I’ve ‘moved to junk’, replied ‘opt out’, blocked and unsubscribed. I’ve even been crazy (and desperate) enough to reply to a few, before realising that, in this direction, madness lies.

Accepting then that there is nothing to be done other than reading at the least the first few lines of each fresh attempt to change my life, I have become a reluctant expert on the tricks, tactics and subterfuge of the unsolicited e-mail sender. 

I share them with you with two well-meaning motives. Firstly, that you may recognise them quickly, smile and delete, thereby creating more space in your work life to follow up on the genuine recommendation and introductions that will improve your business; and secondly, in the hope that the perpetrators may recognise the futility of their actions and devote their time to more fruitful endeavors.

I am more hopeful on the first one.

Tactic One – The Standard Reach

For years the senders of speculative e-mails must have searched in vain for just the right way of saying ‘I’m pestering you without your permission’ before one of them ( I’m guessing an American) landed on the woeful phrase ‘I’m just reaching out.’

Lovely. It’s like an innocent cry for help from someone in trouble … except in the reader’s mind, it’s not. It’s like the ‘victim point of view’ strangler scene in an old black and white horror movie. Sure you’re reaching out; you’re reaching out to squeeze the life out of me! The meme has already done the social rounds; only the Four Tops can reach out, everyone else should stop it… immediately.

Tactic Two – The LinkedIn Mugging

Often combined with tactic one, the LinkedIn Mugging allows anyone you’ve connected with to instantly e-mail you like you’ve been best friends forever. This e-mail always starts with an over-familiar ‘Hi! Thanks for connecting!’ at which point the only reasonable course of action is to revisit LikedIn to disconnect.

Tactic Three - The Free Lunch

Leaving aside the fact that lunch (in the traditional going to a restaurant way) is not something most of us normally do anyway; I am at a loss to understand why anyone would take a free one whilst being simultaneously trapped in a sales pitch. Allowing a very conservative half an hour either side to get to and from the venue, and an absolute minimum of one hour for the actual lunch bit, this ‘free’ lunch is going to cost at least two hours of productivity.

That’s over 5% of a normal working week! No one is this hungry.

Tactic Four – The Ego Hit

We all like to feel important – who doesn’t like a compliment or two along the way – so the e-mail that begins with the phrase ‘Congratulations, you have been identified by your peers as…’ is always going to grab your attention.

There are many variants on this theme, including: ‘Congratulations, you have been identified by your peers as… a thought leader … an industry expert … a retail guru …’, and my personal favourite, ‘…a shining light!’

The reward for this recognition is almost always an invitation to join other shining lights at a special event where you can all bask in the glow of your own self-importance whilst discussing ‘Reengagement Strategies to Recharge Employees!’ or something similar and signing up to a ‘free’ business consultation.

The super-deluxe version of this tactic actually names the thought leader who identified you as a thought leader. This is invariably someone you’ve never met and who is therefore wholly unqualified to pass such a compliment. If you receive one of these e-mails, ask yourself why you would want to attend an event with someone who goes round telling other people that they know you… in order to get to know you.

Tactic Five – The Imaginary Follow Up

Behind this classic approach is an assumption (almost always wrong) that the recipient suffers from the sort of memory loss that would mark them out as a high-achiever in a goldfish school.

‘I’m following up on behalf of (insert role title, but not name of person) who spoke to you recently about (insert something you would never have a conversation with anyone about) to arrange a follow up meeting.’ Really?

It is of course possible that you did speak to the person named in the e-mail and have genuinely forgotten them – in which case, being offered the chance to meet again with someone so clearly forgettable should not be one to jump at.

Tactic Six - The Timing Wasn’t Right

An interesting variant of tactic five where the sender simply embellishes the previous conversation by suggesting that this e-mail is some sort of agreed follow up. ‘You will remember we spoke last year but the timing wasn’t right.’

No we didn’t. If we had it wouldn’t have been. And it still isn’t now.

Tactic Seven – The Free Whitepaper

To its credit, this one probably started out as a genuine attempt to share interesting, relevant subject matter with like-minded peers. Sadly it’s been hijacked by the spam-brigade as a blatant click-through tactic.

More often than not the ‘whitepaper’ will turn out to be a 500 word summary of an ‘Indispensable, comprehensive, 800 page report – available to purchase now at the early bird price of just £4,999!’ (The authors of these e-mails seem to think that writing copy in the style of a full page Daily Express, padded laptop lunch tray advert is a sure fire way to convince any business to part with a few thousand quid.)

The double whammy with these e-mails is that, once enticed into clicking the whitepaper link, you’re IP address has helpfully flagged you in the sender’s CRM system as a ‘hot-lead’. You can be sure that the real price for reading the free whitepaper will be a deluge of follow up spam.

Tactic Eight – The Best Person?

This relies on the not unreasonable assumption that a small number of recipients of unsolicited e-mails will see it as a great opportunity to wind up a colleague, maybe in revenge for an office cricket humiliation, possibly something more sinister. Whatever the motivation, an e-mail that begins ‘Are you the right person to speak to about…’ provides a neat opportunity to load up someone else’s to do list whilst reducing yours.

‘Toilet roll procurement is the responsibility of Steve. I’m sure he would be delighted to be reached out to. Here’s his e-mail address.’ 

Job done. Make coffee. Move on.

In the more elaborate version of this tactic, e-mailers then use the name of this one person in the organisation to create fake introductions to everyone else:

‘Hi. I’ve been talking to your colleague Steve (Head of Tissue Procurement), who tells me you’re the person I need to connect with re filing cabinet drawer roller maintenance.’

A slippery slope.

Tactic Nine – The Empathy Pitch

We find ourselves inside the office of the frustrated speculative e-mail distribution team: 

‘No one ever replies to us anymore’ wails one pasty faced spammer. ‘It must be because they have so many rubbish e-mails to plough through, they just don’t see how amazingly different ours are!’

‘You’re right! Let’s empathise. That’ll work!’

‘How about this boss?’ … ‘I appreciate you must receive speculative emails on a regular basis so I will be quick. The purpose of my email is to arrange a suitable time for a meeting.’

‘Brilliant! Send it now and get ready… we’re going to be swamped with meeting requests!’

Tactic Ten - The Chummy Chaser

When the nine tactics above have failed to solicit a single response, there’s only one thing left to try:

E-mail again in a completely different tone of voice to your first e-mail (ideally sounding like the bloke you met in the pub the night before) and just pretend it’s a brief, friendly follow up – just part of an ongoing conversation.

Hey Derek! 

Is this something you wanted to pursue?

Eric

No Eric, it’s not! I don’t know you. I’ve never met you. LEAVE ME ALONE!!